A Daughter's dilemma

You know, I wanted to tell you that day,
I got a second place in the school’s singing contest, hooray!
But silence held me, what triumph could I claim?
Two voices only, a competition so lame.
With a hollow victory, I feared your disdain.

But what I didn't tell you, and what you ought to know,
Is how I conquered my fear, and let my voice flow?
Since then, for everything, I kept my lips tight,
Because you have always wished me to be quiet.

Sometimes I did try venting out, you see,
As it was hard to keep it all bottled up within me.
But then the focus used to shift, it was suddenly all about you,
And how I, supposedly, made you feel so blue.

Also anything I share,

Cannot be wholly safe under your care.  
So yeah, you were right, in a twisted way,
Silence is the safest bet any day.

I'm forever indebted to you,
For everything you have done for me so far, and for everything you still do.
But sometimes I feel so unnoticed by you.
No matter how hard I strive, my efforts fall through the cracks,
Did I ever make you proud, just like that?

Often, you do speak of bidding goodbyes,
Claiming your stubborn girl doesn't heed your cries.
I hear your screams though, but my judgement gets blurred,
I can’t quite differentiate the right from the absurd.
The fear of losing you, a constant, gnawing dread,
So I give in to your whims, a storm above my head.

Decades later, still, in the mirror, I can see,
Much like how YOU perceive me to be.
My worthless self staring back at me.
Love, hate, or pity for you? I know not what,
Sometimes I am your darling daughter, sometimes a doormat.

Perhaps somewhere, in realms untold,
This story's threads would differently unfold.
No weight of motherhood for you to bear,
A life of freedom, free from care.
Your loved ones who mend you, not tear you apart,
A peaceful you, with a kinder heart.